Mother's Day: Making The Grade
by Robert Klopfer, L.C.S.W., Co-Director

The second Sunday in May is a busy day for florists, confectioners, and restaurants. Mother's Day is as American as Thanksgiving and the 4th of July. For many women it is a day of reckoning, a day of apprehension. These are women who are caring and thoughtful. Some are full-time homemakers and full-time parents. They are women who care and support their children and the men who fathered them.. These women are stepmothers.

With the divorce (fifty percent) and remarriage rate (eighty percent) remaining steady for several years, American stepmoms are large in number and small in voice. Being a stepmother is the hardest job in a stepfamily. Especially if you are a full-time stepmom.

Some biological parents have limited contact with their children. Often they reclaim their children on Mother's and Father's Day. Many children feel a stronger case of loyalty conflict on these days. Children are not sure if their biological parent will understand their positive feelings for their stepmom. Most want to recognize both of the women who mean so much to them. Kids know we cannot have too many people who love us and care for us. But they are unsure of how Mom will react. Sometimes they fear hurting Mom. Sometimes their fears are real.

Stepmothers wait to see how Phillip or Trisha will treat them on this special day. Will they get a handmade card, a picked bouquet of wild-flowers, or a phone call? Will they be saluted or ignored? Will their stepchild find a way to show appreciation, something many children have a hard time doing. Will their consistent caring and support be acknowledged? Will they get a good grade this year?

Emotional dangers are always present on these Hallmark holidays. Being acknowledged is important to most of us, especially to stepparents. Teaching children to show caring and love allows them to give back a precious gift to the special adults who love and care for them. Celebrating on another weekend works just as well for some families. The date is secondary, the message is primary.

In newer stepfamilies these days may have some rough edges. Planning helps a lot. Understanding the needs of the child is always important. Taking the children out of the middle if loyalty issues arise is an act of love and compassion. Setting up realistic expectations to avoid disappointment makes sense. Having a partner with whom you share your feelings is a most significant advantage.

Many stepfamilies developed their own traditions over the years. One family that has been together for fifteen years uses the Saturday before Mother's and Father's Day as Stepparents Day. The stepmother and stepfather involved look forward to planning a dinner where they choose the menu and the now grown-up children bring gifts and cards.

Other families find their own style to recognize the non-biological parent in a significant way. And if the children are not around to celebrate on Mother's Day, a nice day out can be planned by the adults who frequently are couple-time-deprived. Stepfamilies need to have resourceful members who make the most of the comings and goings of the individuals who inhabit their family. When couples respond effectively, stepparents feel like they get a report card filled with "A"s.

School is in full swing – kids have settled into the routine, and some great extra-curricular activities round out the enjoyment for many. There are opportunities for parents to become involved in their children’s school life, which is a mixed blessing for the parents who are divorced.

As a stepfamily coach and counselor, I hear many single mom’s dread the times when they will have to be in the same space as their former partner. Possibly more challenging, they eventually have to share that space with the new wife. Here is one case scenario.

THE SCHOOL PLAY
Stephanie’s daughter Sarah is in a school play. Stephanie has been coaching Sarah on her lines. Mother and daughter are very excited. However, as the night of the play approaches, Stephanie feels a knot growing in her stomach. Her former-husband, Charles, will be there – with his new wife. She cannot bear to be in the presence of the woman who ruined her marriage. She does not plan on speaking to her. She will stay as far away from both of them as possible.

WHAT SHOULD STEPHANIE DO?
Stephanie’s feelings are understandable. It is painful to see her former-husband with “the other woman.” But, it would be damaging to Sarah to see so much friction between her parents.

GETTING THROUGH THE NIGHT
Stephanie’s situation is similar to many that I have helped women (and men) get through. Here are a few ideas that have helped others.

1. Invite a friend or relative to accompany you to school events when your former will be there. The friend serves as a buffer and support.
2. It is important that Stephanie does talk to her “former” – and his wife. They don’t have to sit together, but civility is required. Children who fare best after a divorce are those whose parents make a real effort to form a co-parenting relationship.
3. After that very difficult task, Stephanie deserves a treat! A massage the next day, a good movie, or a night out with friends.

DRESS REHEARSAL FOR THE FUTURE
A school event is, in effect, a dress rehearsal for much bigger events. The time you spend at this event is a lot less than what lies ahead. Think graduations, taking your child to college, weddings, and grandchildren’s birthday parties. These will happen sooner than you think! They will be so much easier if you get used to being in the same space as your “former” a little bit at a time.

DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP
It takes a long time to get over a divorce. Of course it can be hard to see the man you were married to with someone else. It will get easier over time. There are divorce support groups, single mom’s groups, and a lot of therapists and counselors who can give you the support you deserve. Remember, your well being is good for your child as well as yourself.

Brenda Rodstrom, LCSW, works extensively with single mothers, stepmothers, and members of stepfamilies. She is a member of the Stepping Stones Counseling Center Staff. She is the founder of Stepfamily Dynamics Counseling and Coaching.

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